Yesterday in the evening, I received this DM on my Twitter app:

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Hey tim, I just stumbled upon your profile. cool content!

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I promise I have good offer. hear me out. what if I could build a landing page that gets more clients every month? you only pay basd on what you think its worth!

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Looking forward to a response.

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Ahhh the typical “DO YOU WANT A HIGH-CONVERTING LANDING PAGE?!?!”

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You’ve most likely received messages like this yourself.

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So… can you guess what I replied?

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…

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…

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…

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Exactly…

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NOTHING!

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Like 90% of my DM requests… I simply ignored it (listen, I’m a busy man).

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But this one was special.

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This one was so ridiculously bad… that I almost felt bad for the guy. And it gave me an idea.

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Why don’t I help this guy by teaching him how to write a proper cold outreach message?

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And so… this email idea was born.

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Because today, I want to apply some common sense to cold outreach.

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Let’s help out my landing page-building, inbox-filling Twitta copywriter with 5 simple revisions to his outreach message.

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Mistake #1: Not qualifying me

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Listen, I don’t want a new landing page – mine works very well.

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But there are people out there who need it 100x more than me.

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Your job, my fellow copywriter?

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FIND THOSE PEOPLE AND REACH OUT TO THEM. (not people like me who don’t need it).

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Okay, that one was a little obvious.

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So let’s move on.

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Mistake #2: A VERY unoriginal opening line

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C’mon.

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At least put in some level of effort.

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The fact that he spelled my name in lower-case letters “tim” and not “Tim,” to me, is slightly disrespectful.

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(Yes, I realize I’m a little nitpicky here. But am I the only one who’s pissed off by this?! The first letter of a name is spelled in CAPITAL LETTERS – period).

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But I would have forgiven this small blunder IF…

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…he had made an EFFORT to show me that I’m not one of 1000 names on an Excel sheet titled “leads 3.0.”

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There’s 2 options here:

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1. Don’t send me a wishy-washy compliment at all and get straight to it…
2. Or send me a GENUINE compliment that I’d actually appreciate

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Let’s fix it for him:

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“Hey Tim, loved your recent podcast with ___”

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(Oh wait, I haven’t released that yet 🤭)

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Mistake #3: Being a needy b*tch

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“I promise I have a good offer. hear me out.” just SCREAMS: I’m not confident in my services. That’s why I have to BEG you to listen to me.

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Ultra-low status.

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Instead, I’d transition like this:

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“Look man, nobody likes getting cold outreach messages. But…”

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Mistake #4: A vague offer without a clear benefit

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“Get more clients every month” is NOT a clear benefit that’s tangible for most people.

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Instead, I’d lead with this:

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“I’ve recently helped a client land 4 high-ticket deals in just 40 days (giving him a 5x ROI) and I think I could do the same for you.”

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Now, I’m assuming this guy doesn’t have social proof yet.

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Which is totally fine… It just requires a little more thinking.

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So here’s the alternative:

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“I’ve heard from a lot of business owners in your niche that lead-gen has been super slow leading to inconsistent revenue and unnecessary stress. I think that’s a shame because I’ve developed a system that could EASILY attract you 4 high-ticket clients in the next 40 days DESPITE the changes in the market.”

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Now what am I doing here?

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Well firstly, and most importantly, I’m showing them that I UNDERSTAND their situation. They’re suffering from inconsistent revenue and are stressing out because of that – if that’s NOT the case for them… they aren’t qualified to buy from me anyway.

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This is HUGELY important because it shows you that you’re not some random “landing page builder” just wanting to make a quick buck… instead, you position yourself as a trusted advisor. Subtle but powerful.

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Secondly…

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I’m alluding to a “larger movement” – something that THEY don’t have control over. “The market is at fault for my suffering!” This positions US as their savior. We will ‘protect’ them from this monstrous swing in the market.

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This also heavily increases urgency. And it’s not cheap urgency. It’s REAL urgency that they’re feeling in their day-to-day business life. It’s like a weight on their shoulders getting heavier and heavier every day.

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Mistake #5: A cheap call-to-action

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Nobody wants to reply to your cold outreach message.

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They want to get the solution to this burning problem they’re facing right now.

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But in order to get it… they have to reply 😉.

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Here’s what I’d send:

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“Mind if I show you how I do this over a 2-3 min loom vid?”

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This implies that they’ll receive FREE value up-front. And who doesn’t like free value??

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So, go the extra mile and actually be helpful to them.

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This is how you win cold outreach.

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The full message now looks like this:

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Hey Tim, loved your recent podcast with ___.

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I’ve heard from a lot of business owners in your niche that lead-gen has been super slow leading to inconsistent revenue and unnecessary stress. 

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I think that’s a shame because I’ve developed a system that could EASILY attract you 4 high-ticket clients in the next 40 days DESPITE the changes in the market.

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“Mind if I show you how I do this over a 2-3 min loom vid?”

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But I’ve rambled on for long enough now. 

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I’ll catch ya tomorrow.

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Tim <3

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P.S. Always remember to follow up